In my opinion, you are not an expert overthinker if you don’t replay past conversations at least twice in one day.
Twice..ten times…same difference.
But seriously, we already worry about the future and embarrassing past events. Why can’t we be okay with the everyday conversations and interactions that we have with people?
“Maybe I should not have said this?”
“Maybe I should have said this?”
“They probably think I am horrible because I said X, Y, Z.”
And the list goes on and on…
The “best part” is a lot of this rumination can take place when you’re in bed at night. Instead of getting your beauty sleep, you are lying there considering the implications of every word that was said in every conversation you had that day.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time and fix the conversations so they better fit my standards.
What standards are those? I have no clue. But I’d probably overthink those too.
Why do you constantly replay conversations in your head?
Social anxiety
Anyone who struggles with social anxiety is extremely attuned to their surroundings, more specifically the people in it. Due to this, you are in a constant state of hypervigilance. This is what experts define as “being constantly on the lookout for any threat or danger.” For instance, you could be making a comment with a friend and the “threat” could be them sighing and then moving on with the conversation.
Does that sigh mean they are upset with you? Did you offend them in any way? Was your comment not interesting enough and now they think you are really boring and will probably want to stop being friends with you?
These are some examples of the thoughts that may go through your mind if you struggle with social anxiety and you ruminate about previous interactions with people.
You left a lot unsaid
Sometimes when I have a disagreement with someone, I often remember all the things I wish I had told them after the fact. Then, I beat myself up and wonder WHHHYY I didn’t say that amazing comeback that would have left them totally speechless.
Maybe you relate to this.
As a conflict-averse person, you probably hold in things instead of expressing what really bothers you. Or sometimes in the moment, you just forget (it happens).
You’re a people pleaser
This goes hand in hand with the previous points.
People pleasers also live in a hypervigilant state. The threat to them is people being unhappy or disappointed with them in any way. Not only do they want to be liked by everyone, but they are also obsessed with keeping the peace at all costs. Due to that, they don’t do well with conflict of any kind.
Let’s go back to the friend example I gave earlier. Let’s say you think your comment offended your friend somehow. In true people-pleaser fashion, you might be tempted to immediately apologize for MAYBE having offended them.
You might also ask them multiple times if everything is okay. Even if they keep telling you that everything is fine, you probably won’t believe them. This will probably end up with them actually being mad this time by the way.
You just can’t help yourself
Maybe you don’t know the exact reason why you replay past conversations in your head all the time. It might be a combination of all the reasons listed above. All you know is you have been doing it most of your life and you want to find a way to stop once and for all.
So here are some ways to help you stop replaying past conversations in your mind.
1. Reflect on why you do this
Most of our behavior in our adult years is dictated by things that traumatized us or affected us in some way when we were younger. I recommend seeing a therapist or doing some journaling to understand this better.
Growing up, I had some friends who easily got offended by a lot of things I said. They always complained about that. There was never any bad intention behind it but I was just used to speaking my mind very openly.
I grew up in a culture where people can be very blunt sometimes and not everybody can handle that. Because I cared about my friends so much, I started to suppress that aspect of my personality to preserve our friendship.
I also grew up in a home that had some conflict. In order to maintain the peace, I often needed to make sure I said just the right thing to make sure everybody was happy with me.
Of course, you shouldn’t be a jerk when you talk to people.
But over the years, these people-pleasing tendencies grew way out of proportion. They led to a lot of overthinking and stress because I was no longer being authentic to myself.
That is why reflecting on why you keep replaying past conversations will help you get to the root of the problem. This will give you some understanding and will help you figure out a way to get over the habit.
2. Forgive yourself for what you didn’t say
You know that feeling after an argument when you suddenly remember all the things you could have said to really make your point?
Yep. It’s a pretty annoying feeling.
When you feel that way, it’s important to take a deep breath and just let it go.
Trust me I know it’s hard.
Especially if you reeeally want to text that person days after the argument to make sure you get the last word.
But this doesn’t really help anyone. First, the moment has passed. You would just start another argument for no reason. Second, it might feel good for five seconds and then what? You go back to feeling normal and disappointed that you were so influenced by your ego that you just had to say something.
You don’t always need to have the last word in an argument. So forgive yourself for the things you didn’t say and move on.
3. Learn to better communicate with people
Let’s say you had an argument with someone and you can’t stop thinking about it after. You feel that you didn’t fully share what was on your mind.
I mean something actually meaningful, not a snarky comment to be petty and get the last word in the conversation!
If that’s the case, you may need to re-examine how you communicate with people.
If you struggle with people pleasing, you probably have a hard time fully expressing yourself. The problem with that is by always withholding your feelings, you are not showing up as your true self. This will affect your relationships and can also lead to resentment of other people.
So practice speaking up for yourself and expressing your true feelings. Learn how to do this by being respectful but still firm about what you need to say.
It will take a lot of practice and courage. The more you do this, the more confident you will feel that you are showing up as your authentic self and you won’t need to replay conversations in your mind all the time.
4. It’s not always about you
I don’t know why we overthinkers like to think that the world revolves around us. To be specific, everything that may or may not be wrong with us.
It’s always us, us, us!
Would it be crazy to consider that maybe, just maybe, it’s not always about us?
In the friend example I gave earlier, maybe their sigh had nothing to do with your comment. They may have just been tired from a long day. Or, maybe they were preoccupied with something at the time.
Remember that people have their own lives. Not every reaction is about you. Give yourself some peace of mind and stop acting like it is. Yes, I am also talking to myself as I am typing this.
5. Focus on what you can control
You can’t control how people perceive your words. All you can do is focus on being respectful but authentic with what you have to say.
Disappointment is a part of life. Any mature adult should be able to handle it. If they can’t that’s their problem, not yours.
No matter how respectfully you try to speak, there is still a chance that someone might be offended. That has more to do with them, their past experiences and how those influence their view of life.
Just focus on what you can control, which is your intention and how you show up in the world and let go of everything else.
Final Thoughts
You’re not going to stop ruminating about the wrong things you might have said overnight.
Honestly, It’s an everyday battle.
But the more you practice, eventually the less time you’ll waste replaying past conversations in your head all the time.
