People-pleasing is one of the most annoying habits out there. You know it’s reeeaaally bad for you but you just can’t ever seem to get rid of it!
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being nice to others. However, it becomes a problem when you do it so much that you start to neglect yourself and your wants and needs for their sake.
But wait…how do I know I’m a people pleaser?
-You have a hard time saying no even when you reeeaally don’t want to do certain things
-The rare times when you do say no, you feel extremely guilty
-You avoid conflict like the plague
-You take other people’s problems as your own
-You struggle to make decisions because of the impact it may or may not have on people around you
-You act the way you think the world expects you to instead of being your true, authentic self
Reasons you may have developed this people-pleasing habit
-As a child, you developed the habit to keep the peace in an unstable home/environment
-You feel like you owe it to some people.
-You started doing this to fit in new, unknown settings
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always believed that it was my duty to make sure everyone around me was okay. I did this by always checking on people, making sure my decisions didn’t hurt my family and being a caretaker for those around me. I was rewarded for this behaviour so I continued it to maintain my identity as the “nice person”.
Even though I do enjoy helping and caring for others, to an extent, it became problematic. I was exhausted from constantly worrying about everybody else around me and I was getting angry at people because I always ignored my wishes for their sake (even though they never actually asked me to do this).
Today, I am very intentional about using the following tips to overcome my people-pleasing habit. Adding these to your daily life will help you stop being a people pleaser so you can live a life that’s really on your terms!
1. Tune in to your own needs…
As a people pleaser, you are hypervigilant about other people’s needs and perceptions. Since you’re so focused on everyone else, this takes you away from you.
Turn that around and start paying more attention to your own needs. What do you need in this world to be happy? What are some things that you like doing and some that you don’t? What makes you feel energized? What drains you? Journaling is a great tool that can help with that.
2. …and learn to prioritize them
Once you learn more about your needs, make honouring them a priority.
If that means cancelling plans to go out with friends because you’d rather stay home and watch a movie by yourself after a long day, that’s perfectly okay!
Keep in mind that the more you start making your needs a priority, the more people you will probably piss off because you will no longer be at their beck and call. That’s okay–keep doing you anyway!
3. Boundaries…your new best friend
Boundaries are a healthy and very necessary part of relationships.
As you become more and more aware of your needs and wants, learn to express them to others with grace and confidence. For instance, I am practicing not making myself available to everyone all the time, especially when I have other things going on in my life. That looks like not immediately answering every text I receive and taking time to consider whether or not I can agree to some plans.
So, the next time you don’t like the way somebody speaks to you, let them know instead of keeping it in “to not bother them”. Or if you don’t feel like always cleaning up after your roommates, start putting your foot down.
Start standing up for yourself by establishing boundaries. It will reduce your people-pleasing tendencies and allow you to have healthier, more authentic relationships.
4. Say no often!
For some people (myself included), this is waaaay harder than it sounds!
If that sounds like you, challenge yourself to say no to simple, everyday things and slowly work your way up to more important things.
This will probably sound silly to some people but it will get you used to the feeling of saying no. It will also give you the confidence to be able to decline invitations or constantly offering your help to people who ask for it.
5. Embrace conflict instead of fearing it
Fun fact: conflict is unavoidable in life.
At some point, no matter how nice and perfectly agreeable you try to be, you will probably clash with someone in some way.
As you embark on this oh-so-fun journey to stop people-pleasing, you will surely experience more conflict. This is too bad because we people pleasers don’t like conflict AT ALL!
But next time you’re in a conflict of any sort before you start panicking, reframe your view of the conflict. Look at it as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to either learn more about someone’s point of view or to express yours in a productive way.
Also, conflict doesn’t have to mean loud, aggressive arguments! If you find yourself with someone who reacts that way, you don’t need to match that energy. Learn to communicate your points clearly and firmly but not aggressively.
6. Focus on you, not others’ opinions
I know…easier said than done.
But when you think about it, people-pleasing is a way for you to maintain control. As in, you try to control others’ perception of you by doing everything you think is right for them.
The reality is, one thing you absolutely CANNOT control in this life is what other people think. You just can’t please everyone! So you might as well live your life!
At the end of the day, the person you have to see in the mirror is yourself. You don’t have to answer to anyone else but you. So make sure you’re living a life that you want to live, regardless of what others may think about it.
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