How many of you spend way too much time blaming yourself for literally anything?
Past mistakes, awkward moments, questionable decisions…We’ve all made them. We all have them.
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a gathering with friends thinking about that time in 6th grade when you gave the wrong answer in front of the whole class? Or maybe you’re at Sunday dinner with your family wondering why so many of your romantic attempts end with you being ghosted?
I know I have.
Those of us who live inside our own heads often spend way too much time replaying negative past experiences. Maybe I should have done this or that OR, it’s my fault that this or that happened. As if reliving those events will somehow change what happened or make us feel better about ourselves.
Nope!
This constant ruminating only creates useless distractions, robs you of the present moment, and makes you feel worse about yourself.
It doesn’t serve you and you need to cut this habit ASAP!
Buuut…. obviously this is easier said than done. So, here are some tips on how to leave those past cringey experiences behind and FINALLY move on. I make an effort to apply those in my everyday life every time an unwanted thought comes up and I hope they can be helpful to you too!
Forgive yourself
Before you do anything else, it is absolutely crucial that you forgive yourself.
Consider the two examples above.
Maybe you gave the wrong answer in class because the question was very difficult and you made a mistake because you’re human! And maybe you didn’t know any better in the romance department and the ghosting has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them! These are just examples but you can apply this reasoning to any situation.
To stop blaming yourself, you need to always remember that you did the best that you could with the resources and knowledge that you had at the time. So not only is it okay for you to move on but you also deserve it.
Challenge your thoughts
If you’ve been replaying those bad experiences in your head for a while, you’ve probably developed negative narratives around them that you started to believe.
But here’s an idea: what if the stories you are telling yourself are not true?!
Dare to challenge those thoughts and rewrite the narrative in a more positive light!
Stop beating yourself up because you made one mistake years ago. Instead, accept that you are human and you will keep making mistakes. But guess what? It’s okay because you are still learning!
Instead of thinking that you are stupid or romance will never work for you and you’ll end up alone, remind yourself that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. The right people and circumstances will find you eventually.
Be intentional about doing better
You know that saying from Maya Angelou “If you don’t like something, change it and if you can’t change it, change your attitude”?
If you are constantly thinking about the things you keep doing wrong in your life, then you need to actually do something about them.
I’ve spent countless hours blaming myself for not publishing the most perfectly written article on my blog but that time has passed. There is literally nothing I can do about it now. What I can focus on is making sure that I arm myself with the knowledge and preparation to write a better article next time.
If you want to learn more about something, read more books or take a class. If you want to have healthier romantic relationships, start by having a healthier relationship with yourself. Treat yourself more, start journaling or maybe go to therapy.
By taking small intentional steps, you can help create the outcome that you actually want.
Decide (I mean really decide!) that you are going to move on
The thoughts in your head are just that: thoughts.
You have more control over them than you think.
I’ve decided that when I catch myself ruminating or blaming myself for something that happened in the past, I am going to acknowledge those thoughts but choose to not listen to them.
You have limited attention and time in this life. You need to be very intentional and selfish about what you choose to focus on. By ACTIVELY deciding to not listen to the bad thoughts, you take your attention away from them and you reclaim your power over what you think about. I know it’s not an easy thing to do but it’s a pretty simple concept don’t you think?
You’re not going to stop blaming yourself for everything overnight, especially if it is a habit you’ve had for many years. I am still working on that myself! However, by being patient with yourself and being deliberate about changing the way you think, you will eventually make your way towards living a life free of self-blame and guilt!
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