It’s very easy to start overthinking a relationship but it’s way more difficult to stop.
As soon as you meet someone you like, if you’re anything like me, sometimes you can start immediately creating scenarios in your head of how that person is definitely “the one” and you will grow old together etc etc.
Or, way before things get serious, you start to overthink about how you look, when to text, what to say and before you know it, you’re mentally going through all the reasons why things won’t work between you and that person.
If this sounds like you, first take a deep breath…
And remember that a new relationship is a journey, a marathon where you get to know another person, spend time with them and decide if they are right for you or not. It’s not a race to whatever outcome you have in your mind.
And you don’t need to obsess over every little detail of how things should go. You just need to take it one step at a time.
Why do I overthink so much in my relationship?
-A previous relationship that did not work out well and you want to do everything in your power to prevent that from happening again.
-You struggle with deep insecurities and worry that the other person will “find you out” and leave you eventually.
-You have a “perfect” idea of how things should be with this person and you struggle to let go, give up control and let things happen naturally.
-You’re a serial overthinker and honestly can’t help yourself. In this case, you might have a little bit of everything mentioned above.
Here are 5 ways to stop overthinking everything in your relationship.
1. Spend time getting to know the other person
For me, one of the most interesting parts of dating is getting to know the other person. The talking stage if you will.
Find out what they like to do, what they don’t like to do, their favourite foods and whatever little quirks they have. I also love sharing mine with them too!
Since I’m an expert at asking random, (mostly) funny questions, I always find out really interesting stuff about the other person and we always have a laugh while doing it.
If you’re constantly in your head during this stage, it’s going to be very difficult for you to really get to know that person, connect with them and find out if you actually have things in common.
So leave your prejudices and past experiences behind! And stop assuming things. You’re not a mind reader! If you want to know something, just ask the person!
Be open to discovering who they are and not who you’ve made them out to be in your mind. Let them show you who they really are.
2. Have no expectations (from yourself or the other person)
When you’re dating and you meet someone you like, it’s very easy to get swept up in the feelings of giddiness and excitement very early in the relationship. Before you know it, in your head you’ve already jumped 10 steps ahead from where the relationship actually is.
You can start to overthink simple things like when to text for example.
Suddenly, the simple act of sending a text feels like a life-or-death decision. If you send it too early, they’ll think you’re too invested. If you send it too late, they might think you’re not invested enough. And if you don’t say the “right” thing, they might think you’re not interesting enough.
Don’t get me started on how our mind spins if the person dares not respond to your texts immediately!
Staying stuck in a cycle of expectations and the “right” way for things to be done will leave you stressed, overwhelmed and confused.
Dating is different for everyone. There is no one-size-fits-all-all or ultimate rulebook for how things should be done.
So give yourself a break. Let go of the expectations and how things “should” be and just take things one step at a time.
3. Communicate openly with them
If this person feels like a safe space, share your fears with them.
The more you connect with someone over the course of dating them, the higher the chance that they will eventually trigger some personal issues within you. Hey, we’re all human, we all do it. These can also cause you to start overthinking.
Maybe you don’t like when they tease you about some parts of yourself because it brings up insecurities you’ve had since you were a child. Or, maybe you feel like they don’t value you when they forget to respond to your texts because you had a cheating ex who did the same.
Someone once told me that starting a relationship with someone new is a bit like teaching them how to make your favourite meal. They might not understand the process right away and they will probably make some mistakes, but you need to be patient and guide them through it.
Everybody is different and we all have our own life experiences and perspectives that we bring to relationships. That’s why it is so important to communicate and share your questions and concerns with this person.
Instead of creating stories in your head and assuming everything, ask them! After all, they can’t read your mind! The people who are worth it will respect and value your honesty.
4. Plan fun activities with this person
Spending time with the person you are dating is a great way to stop overthinking and actually get to know them. The best way to do that is to plan as many activities together as possible.
This will give you the opportunity to interact with them in different settings and find out more about their interests and personality in general.
Also, make sure that these are activities that you will both enjoy to an extent.
I don’t like dinner dates that much. Due to my social anxiety, I worry that I won’t have much to say and the whole evening will end up being really awkward. I need to be more familiar and comfortable with a person before being okay with the idea of strictly going to share a meal and conversation with them.
That’s why I prefer dates that somewhat take the focus away from me and require us to be engaged with something else. For example, going to an arcade, a theme park or ice skating all sound great to me. In these examples, you get to have fun and have a little friendly competition while still getting to know each other.
You don’t want it to be awkward or a horrible experience for both of you. That’s why it’s good to pick activities that are relatively stress-free and will allow you to have fun, learn something new and discover more about each other.
5. Just go with the flow!
Remember that it’s not a race. So be present!
You need to be very intentional about where you put your time and energy. The person you’re in a relationship with could easily contribute to a lot of stress in your life or a lot of happiness. So you need to take the time to really get to know this person. But you can’t do that if you are always in your head, constantly overthinking or worrying about something.
This may be very hard for you if you overthink things a lot but do your best to be present in the relationship. Learn to believe in yourself and trust that whatever issues may come up, you will find a way to handle them if and when they do come up. Take things one step at a time and enjoy the process.
Conclusion
Being in a relationship with someone is not easy.
It’s basically unavoidable to get in your head about it at some point. That applies whether it’s an established relationship or you are just getting to know a person. However, it is helpful to learn to communicate effectively and focus on the present moment. This will help you to relax a little and stop overthinking so much!
